Monday, 11 July 2011

Wishing only wounds the heart

My favorite line from my favorite Broadway show, Wicked. Of course, Elphaba is talking about unrequited love not infertility, but thats just a minor detail. Mr A and I saw Wicked on the weekend, and it was amazing how much the show relates to my life right now, just as it did when I saw it for the first time five years ago.

My cycle has been a little unpredictable in the last 2 years. After the m/c, AF generally arrived around CD 29. There was a 6 month span about a year ago where my cycles were between 30 - 35 days and then my cycles went back to 27 - 28 days, which was normal before my m/c.

I have a routine that I like. I hate seeing BFNs but I find I can deal with AF easier if I have seen the BFN at home first. So I take a HPT the day before I expect AF so that I know to expect AF. It is weird I know, but it really helps me.

Last Monday, I took an HPT and got my monthly BFN. I didn't really think anything about it. Today is CD 34 and I have yet to see AF. I stopped temping around CD 16 this month because DH and I decided we were going to stop trying while waiting for our IUI. So I have no idea whats going on.

I am terrified to take an HPT in case it is negative, but I feel like I can not live my life knowing that I might be pregnant. I bought HPTs on Friday, but I have yet to take one. I keep telling myself that I will wait until I am late, but I am late according to what is normal now. I know there is a chance we are pregnant, but I am too scared to test.
I can feel myself wishing and have caught myself daydreaming about telling Mr A that we are pregnant tomorrow. I know it is wrong to get my hopes up, but I can not seem to help myself. When I see that BFN tomorrow, I am going to be crushed.

1 comment:

  1. Oh wow, I hope you just tested too early! It's obviously eating away at you...I would test. But I break down and test all the time, so I guess I'm biased. Good luck!!