Thursday, 28 July 2011

HPT and Spotting

I have not posted anything in a few weeks for a variety of reasons. Mainly because talking about a positive pregnancy test on an infertility blog seems like incredably bad luck. But I have to get this out today or I am going to go crazy and the ladies at FF are tired of hearing about it.

Two weeks ago, July 12, I got a positive home pregnancy test. Yes, we are "that couple". The dr confirmed it, and we were over the moon. And then I promptly started spotting. It has not been bad yet, mostly just brown spotting, but I feel like we are going to lose this one to.

And the thought that keeps going through my head is not "I will be devasted to lose this child", instead it is "I can not go through IF for 2 more years". I fear that by getting pregnant while waiting for our IUI, we will be bumped back to the end of the list and have to try for another year before we even get a chance to get pregnant again. And I can not do that. I can handle another miscarriage, although it will be terribly hard, but I can not handle IF anymore.

So we have our ultrasound tomorrow to see if there is a heartbeat. We should be about 7 weeks. The cramps started today and the spotting returned. We are praying for this to just be a cervix issue, but I am not certain it will be. Our last baby died at about 7 weeks, and a huge part of me wonders if history will repeat itself. Until then, we wait.

My motto so far has been to enjoy being pregnant for as long as it lasts, but right now I cant see a future with this baby past tomorrow.

Monday, 11 July 2011

Wishing only wounds the heart

My favorite line from my favorite Broadway show, Wicked. Of course, Elphaba is talking about unrequited love not infertility, but thats just a minor detail. Mr A and I saw Wicked on the weekend, and it was amazing how much the show relates to my life right now, just as it did when I saw it for the first time five years ago.

My cycle has been a little unpredictable in the last 2 years. After the m/c, AF generally arrived around CD 29. There was a 6 month span about a year ago where my cycles were between 30 - 35 days and then my cycles went back to 27 - 28 days, which was normal before my m/c.

I have a routine that I like. I hate seeing BFNs but I find I can deal with AF easier if I have seen the BFN at home first. So I take a HPT the day before I expect AF so that I know to expect AF. It is weird I know, but it really helps me.

Last Monday, I took an HPT and got my monthly BFN. I didn't really think anything about it. Today is CD 34 and I have yet to see AF. I stopped temping around CD 16 this month because DH and I decided we were going to stop trying while waiting for our IUI. So I have no idea whats going on.

I am terrified to take an HPT in case it is negative, but I feel like I can not live my life knowing that I might be pregnant. I bought HPTs on Friday, but I have yet to take one. I keep telling myself that I will wait until I am late, but I am late according to what is normal now. I know there is a chance we are pregnant, but I am too scared to test.
I can feel myself wishing and have caught myself daydreaming about telling Mr A that we are pregnant tomorrow. I know it is wrong to get my hopes up, but I can not seem to help myself. When I see that BFN tomorrow, I am going to be crushed.

Wednesday, 6 July 2011


I just bought a hammock from Costco! I am very excited! It should be here by the end of next week, and the Weather Network is calling for sunshine and +30C for the foreseeable future. I can't wait!

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Introducing the A-Team

This is the first time I have ever tried to blog, I never thought I would put my words and thoughts out there for the whole world to see - even though it will most likely be just me reading! Mr. A and I have been married a little over 2 years. We are in our late 20's - Mr. A is 27 and I am 26.

It wasn't supposed to be this difficult to have a baby. As our RE said "You should look at eachother and get pregnant", and that's exactly what we expected. When we threw away the birth control, we both expected this to take the "normal" 6 months. When we got pregnant after our second cycle neither of us was certain we were ready for it but were over-the-moon excited to meet our child.

The morning of our first ultrasound I began to spot - how is that for timing? An ultrasound confirmed a missed miscarriage. We were told that it was completely normal, that we would probably be pregnant by Christmas and there was nothing to fear. After 2 weeks of bleeding, an ultrasound showed that I was still "pregnant"(ish) and a D&C was scheduled. It was the worst day of my life.

We began trying again right away, to no avail. By August 2010 I had a referrel to an OB specializing in infertility. He took one look at my FF charts and diagnosed PCOS. We were given 4 months of clomid and told that we would probably be pregnant after our first month.

We were referred to the RE in January 2011. He is amazing, and we have been told that he is the best in our fairly large city. He sent us for all the appropriate testing which all came back normal. Mr. A's morph is a little low, but his concentration and motility more than make up for it. Dr M has no idea what is wrong, although he disagrees with the diagnosis of PCOS. We were given the option of clomid/IUI, IVF or a lap. We chose the clomid/IUI and have the prescription for 3 months worth sitting on our counter.

Dr M believes that we will get pregnant on our own and so he recommended we wait 3 more cycles. We have gone back and forth but at this point in time have agreed to wait until October. The prescription mocks me, sitting there. Tomorrow is CD1 which makes the uncertainty even worse. We could get in for the IUI if we wanted to and Mr A has left the decision up to me. I know the right choice for us is to wait, but I have never been a patient person. When I know what I want, I go for it no matter what.

So that is us right now. Making a baby the old fashioned way while counting the days to our IUI. Hoping and praying the IUI will not be needed. I have no idea how I feel anymore, I just want to be a mommy.